Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Misconstruements

Yesterday I confused the voice of Phil Hendrie with that of Keith Olbermann on the am dial. Some cabbies will tell you that the best thing about their shift is eccentric late night and weekend radio programs.

Some passengers will get in at Third and Atlantic in downtown Brooklyn and tell you they're going by the Williamsburg Bridge. McDonough and Patchen to be exact. That's deep in Bed-Stuy. Nowhere near the bridge. You'd be taking them the wrong way if you knew no better. About half way down Lafayette they say, "oh, you must live in Brooklyn since you know where you're going." That's also why you know they're bluffing. But you also understand that they're only trying to avoid a refusal. All of Brooklyn ought to be as fair game as Manhattan to all yellow hacks. Let's get that through our thick skulls.

Dear Taxi TV: is it really necessary to play the Smurfs movie ad thrice a fare? That's about 90 times a shift. Dear Gas Station TV: is it really necessary to play M.I.A.'s NY lottery song half a dozen times while I fill up my tank? That's 36 times per an average cabbie's week. I already have a scar tissue lump on my scalp from running into a low basement staircase ceiling in order to avoid a parking ticket after helping a passenger carry several suitcases in from the trunk. I had allowed him to substitute my cab as a residential moving company. No good deed goes unpunished. Like the girl who hopped in on the Lower East Side, going to Carol Gardens at 02:00. As always, I took the quickest route. But repairs on the Brooklyn Bridge have half of it shut down late at night. Since it was my first time using the temporary contra-flow, I had to double check the proper ramps on either side. Sure enough, the traffic agents standing there glared at me with disgust instead of answering my inquiries. Isn't that what they're there for? Why all the unconditional hate?

Friday, July 22, 2011

REMEMBER THIS AT MEALTIME


DON'T YOU DARE TAKE A SINGLE BITE FOR GRANTED OR I MIGHT JUST KIDNAP YOU TO SOMALIA UNTIL YOU RECOGNIZE WHAT YOU HAVE.

I'M NOT SURE HOW TO LIVE IN A PLACE LIKE THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE UNABLE TO APPRECIATE BASIC BLESSINGS, LET ALONE ENTERTAIN THE IDEA OF SHARING THEM, WHILE KNOWING OF THE HORORS FACED BY OUR FELLOW HUMAN BEINGS ELSEWHERE AND AMONG US (TO A FAR LESSER DEGREE).

Monday, July 18, 2011

Congratulations to Japan

and its soccer team for winning the world cup in Frankfurt yesterday. Dare I say "Women's", as if we all say "Men's" when IT comes around. Speaking of which 2014 in Brazil will be won by Colombia. Let's at least qualify, OK? We haven't been in the World Cup since 1994, when defender Andres Escobar was offed for accidently scoring an auto-goal. This should be an easy commute across the Amazonian border anyhow.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

10 POUNDS OF SHIT IN A 5 POUND BAG

For better or for worse, I love you New York. You and your people, your noise, your character, diversity, and density.

All of you out there can keep your suburbs. I don't need them. Just leave me my five little boroughs. And some rural farmland not too far off.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Congratulations to South Sudan

For your newly gained independence. May your people maintain freer spirits than (even) my Sears, Roebuck, and Co one speed bicycle (aka China truck bike). May your resources be tended to with care and distributed altruistically. May your neighbors grow to appreciate your proximity as one of mutual aid and fair trade. May your water be untainted, your fields alive with sustenance, and your minds free from worry, filled instead with wonder. May this be a catapult for Tibet, Palestine, Kurdistan, and the handful of other nationless nations.

Obviously, no land truly belongs to anyone, as we are all borrowing all of it from the universe, in order to complete our corrections. But since I will never stop being a geography dweeb, I will mention that before today, the largest countries in Africa were (in this order) Sudan, Algeria, DR of Congo (f.k.a. Zaire), and Libya. Now Algeria is largest, followed by D.R. Congo, Libya, and then Sudan (the remaining northern half). The new "South Sudan" is just over a half million squared kilometers with eight and a quarter million people, and Juba as its capital.